Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
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The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
*checks Timeline*…
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler