Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
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chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Never let them know your next move 😂
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …