Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
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Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places