[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
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I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.