She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
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CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!