ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
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please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
yeet
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby