I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
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My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Facebook memories be like
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!