I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
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Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I’m not lazy
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I am laughing way too hard at this.