life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
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CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.