He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
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Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.