*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
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Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”