Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
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Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
My dad.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.