It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
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Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
FRED: right
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
👾👾👾
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me