[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
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Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*