So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
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My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”