I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
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“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.