Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
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“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.