I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
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HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Why is no one talking about this?!
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend