“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
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Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
🛁
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back