If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
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The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely