I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
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I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking