40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
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If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.