Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
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hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
(Jupiter –
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.