All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
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Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.