“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
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Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”