Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
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The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Sing it!
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.