Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
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Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.