Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
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Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
goldfish mafia
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Body by Oreos
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
⛄️
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??