The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
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“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
good morning
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress