good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
You Might Also Like
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21