kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
inventing words: clothing
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Mouse
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.