[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
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me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”