Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
You Might Also Like
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Become ungovernable.
The Sun
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.