While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
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There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.