How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
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Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie