Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
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Going into Monday like
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
What about a To-Don’t List?
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”