I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
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Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
I never needed anything more in my life
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
That time Alicia messaged me
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.