If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
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12653.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW