be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
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food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,