welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
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Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I have no passwords left in me
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?