If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
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Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app