Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
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[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT