I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
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I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Who.
Did.
This?
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I like to take long walks away from stupid people