I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
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Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy