Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
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Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
How do you like your Corgi?
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good