“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
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wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito