The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
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Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think