It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
You Might Also Like
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
same energy
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?