stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
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Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
a badder mouse
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem