my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
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My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Social distancing in Australia:
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩